People come first

Hidden behind those who put their faces on it, I manipulate my truths.

from the suburbs.

And that “coming out expression I just can’t stand.
My 2022 diary
Random entries

A while back I found out that the peace flag has seven stripes whereas the LGBT
version one only has six. For me, a rainbow-coloured flag has always symbolised peace, not homosexuality. That is what it represented to me as I bit into a babà* back then when I was making out that I was straight and on a diet. Today, as I share my babà with my same-sex partner that multicoloured flag still symbolises peace for me. As I look down at this blank piece of paper, I know that the hardest thing is being able to write about myself in total honesty. Despite being the the person I know best in the world, I can’t always fully understand myself.
This freedom to open up and have self-esteem is not for everyone, and it took me a
long time to accept that pissing myself off might actually be normal.Until one day I
decided to be me, for better or for worse. 

Until I decided to move towards my goals rather than feel dejected by my defeats, rather than giving up on life altogether.
There was a time when I believed that only by reaching a certain social status would I truly be free to be who I was. However, I soon understood that there is no decree nor law that can really help us. There is no credit card to shield behind when it is the prejudices themselves that lie first and foremost within yourself. Those prejudices that make you judge why you are sleeping with a man or a woman, or whoever you want to. As though other people  happiness depended on me. As though my
feelings were questionable, liable to judgment, rotten just like those eggs in the fridge I have forgotten to throw out, oh damn it!
 So I realised that, my problem, was not the habitual prying gazes giving me dirty looks as I smiled into the eyes of another woman. Rather it was the truthfulness of my smile itself. Hence, I became aware that it was not my homosexuality limiting me, but my own sense of inadequacy.
Then came those imposter syndrome” feelings, constant feelings of seemingly faking it and feeling like a fraud. And with those feelings, and my fear of losing everything, I guess sometimes I really did lose out.

I am homosexual. There it is in black and white. How boring. Heterosexuals do not have to introduce themselves as being straight. Despite an ever-increasing awareness of fluid gender identity and sexual orientation where it’s becoming easier for everyone to find their spot on this expanding spectrum, there are still contexts where chatting over coffee about my same-sex partner, feels like giving myself up to the local tabloids. Bigger cities can be easier, although there are no guarantees.
I am homosexual, not the ideal friend to go out with on your pick up night. You cannot talk to me about your conquests as if I were a fellow Latin lover. I hate the way that makes me feel less like a woman.
You should not really even be talking to me about your conquests at all – ok, let’s leave that hurdle for another day. And no, you are not automatically an LGBTQIA+ community supporter just because you have “lots of gay friends. To be honest, I feel sorry for you because the rest of us” can be very mean. This community now seems more like a tax code label than a community, again let’s park that discussion for the moment. What can I say about those vicious people who see their porn coming to life or those who feel entitled to express their attitude about children, family and marriage?
Sure, everyone has a right to their opinion, but the idea that my
private life is at the heart of this debate makes me feel as naked as can be, like being naked in the middle of packed square on New Year's Eve.
It is great that it is all being talked about. Great that so many are ready to fight for their rights to change things. However, my biggest coming out will be shouting that I am tired of talking about it all. I am tired of all this nit-picking, tired of having to dot my i’s and cross my t’s. I would much rather all those dashes floated freely, doing whatever they wanted.
Let me go deeper. In retrospect, I guess my perspective has been harmed by my own lack of courage. By my not being able to stick my neck out and fight for all these things that I can now so easily take for grant.

I am grateful to all those who fought those battles for me, who helped protect my rights and shielded me from my own cowardice. It would be foolish to hide my fears, my narrow-mindedness towards certain topics. I strongly believe in the freedom of each individual, I believe in my new family, a family made up of me and my same-sex partner. However, will I ever actually be able to give her a child? Today I am not ready and maybe I never will be. I am afraid of our future child’s questions, questions I might not be able answer. Would our society be willing to embrace our future child without making him or her feel naked, naked in that same way as standing in that packed square on New Year's Eve with no clothes on? Even though I rationalise that I am not the first to embrace these changes, I wonder whether they will ever really happen? How can I ensure they do if I stay hiding behind those who risk everything while I distort my own truths?
Perhaps these welcoming suburbs have actually left me with some self-imposed limits, limits that I continue to carry with me as I explore this world. In being discreet so as not to be a nuisance, did I chase away the option of opening up, did I swat that option just like you would an irritating fly? 
Every night, I remember how grateful I am for the life I have built for myself. A life that so many young people, like me, have been denied simply because they are homosexual. Despite this gratitude, there is one thing I have no doubt about. That is believing in a world where we are all really equal, a world with no gay pride, no special laws or need for self-disclosure of our sexual orientation. A world where I do not have to feel guilty for not having a revolutionary and courageous soul. A world in which respect and sensitivity are the true values, like a compass helping modern families find their bearings.



Rebirth is linked to failure and in defeat it recognizes the opportunity to change.

read more


Heart, discipline and consistenc, the strength of simplicity that disarms prejudice.

read more


Getting lost in the world I find home, where beauty has made me fragile and my soul bold.

read more